That Jerk-Off Doctor Guy

   Last week over a desktop lunch, I had a skype connected chat with my old friend Simon, (not his real name). We became friends in shrink school some decades back and have kept in touch ever since, finding a way to chat every month or so. As I took a bite of burrito he said, “Ed, I’ve worked out a technique that keeps men who are habitual cheaters in line and true to their partners”, (Simon specializes in marriage counseling in general and infidelity in particular). “Great” I said, “What is it?” 

 Simon then went on to explain the technique in detail. (If you’re really sensitive to matters of a sexual nature, stop reading here). He advised his clients that when they find themselves in a situation where they’re tempted to start making moves to ramp a relationship up to sexual, they are to stop at once and then masturbate at the earliest available appropriate opportunity, holding the object of desire in their mind. Repeat this on a per occasion basis up to 25 times and process it in individual sessions. He never had anyone get past 23 times before they were over it, with most only needing 12-15 reps. 

  “Pretty interesting angle on an age old problem, but don’t some get so fixated they become obsessed and go stalker?”  Simon said he has been using this approach for several years and with over 80 clients and none of them had. He did mention that several of the men did go ‘underground’ with the technique because their partners were very uncomfortable with them fantasizing about others, and no amount of talk about the animalistic / instinctive component of sexuality would dissuade them. 

  “Sounds like you’ve got a live one; you better write that up and get it out. Maybe you should think about getting a tissue company to pay you for your endorsement”.  “Ha ha, very funny” he retorted, “there’s no way in hell I’m gonna put my name on that”. It was an unorthodox technique to be sure, but it worked and seriously improved people’s lives, so I said with dismay, “why not?” 

  “Think about it Ed, if the general press gets a hold of this what do you think they’re going to do? This approach has several very controversial components, components that could land me involuntary and repeated coverage on Inside Edition type ‘scandal news’ shows, in no time at all”. I pointed out that confronting the issues of masturbation and sex fantasies would probably be a good thing and encourage folks to be more aware and realistic. “Sure” he said “some people would undoubtedly become more educated about matters sexual, but think about Sharon and the boys? Do you think they want their husband and father to be famous for being ‘that jerk-off doctor guy’?” 

  After I stopped laughing I had to admit, he had a point!

2 Responses to “That Jerk-Off Doctor Guy”

  1. Nice…and so true, in every aspect. And you encapsulated it perfectly. Well done, Ed!! Heh heh–“reps.”

  2. What a great story! I can see his point…don’t know that I’d want to be the Jerk-Off Doctor either!

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